When Panic Attacks
by JaggedHands
Summary: A one shot. Amanda Rollins suffers a panic attack at work. Luckily for her Olivia Benson is there to pick up the pieces.


When Panic Attacks

Almost two months ago, the squad got an anonymous call about a prostitution ring holding underage girls prisoners, selling them off to older men for money. It had been a hectic two months of trying to locate, get information, plenty of shakeouts and interrogations to track them down, bust their sorry asses and send them all to prison where they could rot and die and the case was now closed.

Amanda Rollins was tired. They all were but the petite blonde had taken this case very hard. There was just something about those broken and lost girls that made her heart clench and caused her chest to close up, making it difficult to breathe. The dark circles under her eyes spoke of sleep deprivation, her clothes were almost hanging of her small frame and she constantly felt exhausted, tired to the bone but sleep never seemed to come.

They all had been told to go home. Captain's orders. The bullpen was unusually quiet for a late afternoon. Fin, Carisi ad Dodds had already left and they were all on a two day mandatory leave. Also captain's orders. The rain outside made Amanda reluctant to leave, knowing she was going to get soaked on her way to the sub. Sighing, she flipped her case file closed and stood up. There was no escaping the rain. She had to get home.

She reached for her jacket when she suddenly felt her heart beginning to beat like crazy. Another palpitation. She had had plenty over the past few weeks and knew they were related to the intense stress and the anxiety from the case. She could feel a panic attack slowly building and she placed a hand over her chest, willing her furiously beating heart to slow down. It didn't.

She was relieved that the room was near empty, bar from a couple of uniforms making small talk and detective Olivia Benson who was deeply engrossed in her paperwork. Embarrassed, she headed straight for the ladies room, hand still on her chest, her balance slightly off and her breathing heavy.

Tears began to build before they inevitably started to drip down her flushed cheeks. Damn, she thought, not another one, not now, not here. The pain in her chest only became wors as she tried to hold back the tears and her emotions. Her throat narrowed and her breaths were laboured and sounded more like an animalistic hissing noise. She was doomed.

Olivia picked her head up as she saw the blonde staggering towards the bathroom. She knew somethig was wrong by the way she was walking and her whole posture seemed to be troubled. When she spotted Amanda's hand over her heart she instantly became worried and decided to check up on her. They had become quite close during their last case and the brunette would consider them as good friends, even though Amanda still seemed to find it hard to open up and talk about her past or her childhood, even her own family but Olivia never pushed.

Seeing the blonde, her friend, in distress caused the older detective to act out of concern and worry. Something was obviously not right and her instincts told her to follow Amanda. When she slowly opened the door, her eyes instantly became soft and full of sympathy. Amanda was standing by the sink, holding onto it's edges for dear life as she tried to take a deep breath. Her body was shaking and even though her eyes were closed, tears were still seeping through. To Olivia it seemed like the blonde didn't even acknowledge her presence.

The brunette carefully walked over to her distraught friend and colleague. By the way Amanda was acting Olivia knew she was having a panic attack. She had seen them before, plenty of times, to know what it was and how to deal with them. Calmly, she placed a hand on Amanda's quivering back and spoke softly. "Amanda?"

The blonde stiffened under her touch and she snapped her eyes open and met concerned brown. Instantly she began to wipe at her face but to no use. The salty droplets continued their journey down her tired face. The embarrassment and shame of it all became too much and her breathing hitched before she once again started to make involuntary raspy sounds that tore through her chest and throat.

"Easy." Liv cooed in a nearby ear. "It's okay. You've got nothing to be ashamed of. Just try to calm your breathing, honey." her hand rubbed soothing circles on Amanda's back, willing some comfort into the shaking body. A minute passed and she could see that things were not getting any better or even easing up. She placed her own hand over Amanda's wildly pounding heart and felt it thumping against her palm.

"Oh sweetie." she said with great concern and stroked the blonde head with her other hand. "Hush, baby. You're okay, you're going to be okay." she guided the blonde out of the bathroom and they quickly made it in to Craigen's empty office without anyone taking any notice. Olivia led them both to the couch and sat them down, her left arm wrapped protectively around heaving shoulders.

"It's okay, Amanda. You're having a panic attack. It will pass soon, I promise." her voice was low and soft, comforting but not patronising. "Don't try to fight it, honey. It's too far gone, you're gonna have to let it out. Just let go, sweetie. Just let go, I'm right here."

Upon hearing those reassuring words, coming from the woman she had admired and concidered a role model for so long, she finally gave up trying to control and hold her emotions in check. She took a shaky deep breath before a loud wail echoed through the room, bouncing from wall to wall.

Olivia pulled her close, bringing her head forward to rest on her chest while she tenderly caressed the blonde tresses. "Shhh, it's okay, my darling. You're okay, I'm right here with you. This will pass, it's only temporary." as Amanda continued to shake in her arms she spotted a blanket hanging over the backrest. She reached out, grabbed it and swiftly wrapped it around the blonde's frail form. "Shhh, sh, sh! Just let it all out, sweetheart. You need to. I'm right here holding you, it's okay. Don't be afraid to fully let go, Amanda. I'm not going to think any less of you for showing and letting your emotions out. I want you to let them out."

A long time passed. Olivia was still tightly holding on to her friend, still stroking her hair and speaking soothing words. Her desperate wails had now turned in to slight sobs and sniffles, her head still tucked against Olivia's safe and warm chest.

Reluctantly, the blonde pulled away. "I'm sorry." she whispered, keeping her head bent to avoid any eye contact.

Olivia gently brought her head up by placing a hand underneath her chin. "You have nothing to be sorry for, sweetie." she used her fingers to wipe the last few tears away. "Nothing at all. I'm just glad that I was here to help you through it. Well, at least I hope I did." she added, smiling gently.

Amanda didn't trust her voice and just nodded instead. The brunette couldn't stop herself from placing a tender kiss on Amanda's warm forehead. "I think you've worked yourself up into a slight fever, honey. How do you feel?"

Amanda swallowed and blinked a couple of times before answering. "Tired." she said and Olivia could hear the utter exhaustion in her weak voice.

"When was the last time you had a proper sleep and a nutritious meal?" she wanted to know. She had noticed the blonde losing weight the past month or so but holding her, in her arms, just confirmed how much. She felt so small.

"I... um, I don't... I can't remember." Amanda said, her voice full of guilt and defeat.

Olivia just nodded. Scolding or lecturing the blonde would do no good. Nothing would come out of that. Instead she stroked a fever flushed cheek with the pad of her thumb, lingering longer than necessary. "I'm taking you to my place and I don't want any arguments. I'm not leaving you alone when you're like this, Amanda. I would feel better if you came with me so I can keep an eye on you." knowing the blonde would protest she place a finger on her pink lips, not even giving her a chance. "I know you don't like being fussed and coddled over and I know you can take care of yourself. This is for me. So I can feel better knowing that you're not alone. Will you please do this for me?"

Amanda knew Olivia's tactics and how she could easily turn things around and talk you in to doing things you normally wouldn't do. It worked and she found herself being gently guided out the precinct and in to Olivia's black mustang. Usually a nice car like this would cause a reaction from Amanda but being so tired and lethargic, she couldn't find the energy to show any interest. They had both gotten soaked on the way to the car. The rain was incredibly heavy and it didn't look like it was going to let up anytime soon.

It took them about twenty minutes before Amanda felt herself being pushed inside Olivia's warm and welcoming apartment. She was so cold even though her face was burning. Her body wouldn't stop shivering even though she tried numerous times and her teeth were shattering. "Come on, sweetie." Liv urged and led Amanda towards her bedroom. She needed to get her warmed up as soon as possible.

After digging through her clothes she found two pairs of sweats that would be both warm and comfortable. Turning back to face the blonde she noticed that Amanda was just staring into space, her body almost making convultions due to the cold and her arms were tightly wrapped around her torso, obviously trying to keep herself warm and to stop shaking.

"Honey?" Liv quickly approached her, ready to take action and do whatever that had to be done. "We have to get you out of your wet clothes and into some dry ones." No reaction. "Amanda?" still nothing. Sighing she began to unbotton her shirt and gently peeled it off. Underneath was a white tank top that was so wet it was see through. Not the time. Get your head out of the gutter, she scolded herself. It took a few minutes before Amanda could actually manage to raise her arms above her head so Liv could pull the top off. Next were her jeans.

As she began to pull them down two muscular thighs, Amanda suddenly came back to reality. Images from her previous captain from Atlanta popped in to her head. Large hands groping, ragged breaths smelling of alcohol and a strong masculine body pinning her to a bed. "No..." she weakly pleaded. "please... don't...!"

Olivia stopped and spoke soothingly into her ear. "It's okay, Amanda. It's me, Olivia, i'm not going to hurt you. You're safe, sweetheart, you're safe." she knew something had happened with Amanda's former captain in Atlanta, which led to her transfer, but the blonde had been very vague on the details. Being a special victims detective for so many years Olivia didn't need any specifics, she knew.

"I need to get the jeans and your panties off you sweetie. I'll be really quick and I won't look, okay?" Amanda needed to keep some of her dignity intact or she would shut down completely. The blonde didn't answer or made any indication that it was alright for Olivia to proceed. She did it anyway. It had to be done. She took a hold of the waistband of her underwear and pulled them off together with the jeans and then the dripping socks. "You're doing great, honey." she held the oversized sweat pants out for the blonde to step into and, despite Amanda's violent shivering, it wasn't such a difficult task. Less than a minute later the matching hoodie was pulled over blonde soaked tresses and covered her upper body like a warm blanket.

Olivia gently pushed her down onto her king sized bed and made her sit on the edge while the brunette changed in to her own pair of dry clothes. She quickly grabbed a clean towel from the linen closet and began to towel dry Amanda's long wet locks, soaking up the excess moisture that was dripping down her shoulders. "Lay down, sweetie." the older woman urged. Amanda didn't budge and Olivia had to gently push her down and cover her up.

"I know you're cold honey. I'm just going to put my arms around you to warm you up, is that okay?" still no answer. Amanda just shut her eyes tightly, her face scrunched up and again began to sob. She was now aware that she was laying in Olivia Benson's bed, she had seen her naked, seen her at her most vulnerable state and seen her totaly break down and cry like a child. The embarrassment of it all was too much to handle and that, somehow by closing her eyes tightly and wishing she was somewhere else, it might actually happen.

Olivia didn't wait for an answer. She knew exactly what Amanda was thinking and feeling. She scooped her up in her arms, made sure they were both covered up and began to sooth the distraught woman with gentle words and touches. "Oh, baby girl. You're alright, everything is going to be okay, I promise." Amanda hid her face in the older woman's chest and let her sob rip through her throat.

Olivia felt her heart ache for her friend and pulled her impossibly closer. "Shhh, I'm right here sweetness, you're okay. You're not alone." she continued making sushing noises for almost an hour before the blonde finally calmed down. Her previous shaking body had turned in to intermittent trembles and when they made themselves known Liv would rub her back, arms and hips to keep her warm. "You okay, sweetheart? How do you feel?" she once again kissed the flushed forehead and could feel the heat radiating from there. "You got yourself so woked up you actually made yourself sick, honey. Wanna tell me about it?" she asked softly and brushed blonde damp hair away from her face, looking straight in to bloodshot tired blue eyes.

"I... I... I can't, I... not now... please..." her walls crumbled once more as another round of tears stared to flow freely and she grabbed onto the brunette's sweater and held on for dear life. Olivia was getting worried. If she kept this up she would get dehydrated and possibly a full breakdown.

She kissed her tears away as her hand rubbed soothing circles on her back, hoping the storm would soon come to an end. "Okay. You can tell me about it later. Right now I'm just going to hold you for as long as you want me to. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere." she soothed, "you're not alone in this Amanda. We can and we will get through this, I promise you that. Whatever you tell me, whatever happens in this room, stays in this room. You're safe here, you're safe with me, sweetness. I'll keep you safe. Just close your eyes and try to get some sleep. I'll be right here holding you the whole time. I won't let anything hurt you. Just sleep."

And Amanda finally slept.


End file.
